Aliens Are Abducting Our Pants

This is an incendiary statement, a statement that will change the way humans perceive themselves in their relationship to the universe. I know that it is time for the people of the world to be shown the truth, no matter how disturbing. It is also imperative that people understand that things are accelerating, not only the pants situation, but the entire universe is accelerating. Racing towards absolute zero, racing towards the big empty. The aliens know this and have began abducting pants out of anxiety, out of panic. All humans are aware of this acceleration sub-consciously, but their logical minds block the realization from materializing. It is my purpose to educate the masses, for a "society gone psychotic" is unavoidable, but perhaps I can save our pants.

I first became aware of this in the spring of 1995 while having a blueberry stack at Denny's. I had dropped my napkin and was reaching to the floor to pick it up when I noticed they were missing, and thus the three words first escaped from my syrup coated throat. "Where's my pants!!!!!" A phrase that would be repeated by my tortured soul a thousand times over. At first I had no idea where my pants had gone and after this phenomenon had occurred repeatedly for nearly a year I finally sought help from psychologists. Intrigued by my problem, the scientists put me under a strict regiment of treatments that included: hypnosis, shock therapy, enemas, LSD, and Vulcan-mind-melding. After several months of this, memories began to surface. Memories of pant thieving aliens!!! I will not bother you with the details of these memories. What is important is that you know that this is occurring, and it will happen to you, that is, if it hasn't already.